The Power of Clarity: Lessons from Assumption Pitfalls
“It’s not a big deal.” These words from my close friend shook me up.
I had confided something personal to her, trusting she would keep my story private. To my surprise, she proceeded to share it with her friend, who then told a few others in a community I belong to. In the end, I experienced a very awkward exchange with someone in the community. I was embarrassed and horrified.
Upon learning the sequence of events, I said to my friend, “I was hoping to keep that story between the two of us.” Her response? “You are overthinking. It’s not a big deal.”
In my professional life as an Executive Coach and a former HR professional, maintaining confidentiality has been paramount. My clients trust me with their most sensitive business and personal information, and I honor that trust unequivocally. This practice extends naturally into my personal life. To me, I’m a vault when it comes to confidentiality, and keeping confidences is common sense.
I was disappointed and upset with my friend. We’ve known each other for a while and tend to share similar values. For this reason, I trusted she would keep my information safe. How could she not only break the trust but also respond in a way that was invalidating and dismissive of my concerns?
Then it dawned on me. She didn’t break the trust I had in her. She broke my assumption!
Because we’ve been friends for a while and seem to approach life in a similar fashion, I assumed she would know what was confidential to me. My mistake was that I didn’t make myself clear that the information was personal and sensitive. My oversight was that I didn’t set an expectation that it was not to be repeated or shared with others. Instead, I assumed she and I subscribed to the same “rulebook” about sharing.
I can’t get mad at her or blame her because I did not take time to understand her “rules” and to ask for what I needed from her. It was on me.
This experience for me was an important lesson about assumption testing and expectation setting.
This lesson in assumption testing and expectation setting is particularly relevant for leaders. As leaders, it’s easy to assume that your team members understand performance expectations, know how to interpret feedback, or share your view on what constitutes success. However, just as in personal relationships, these assumptions can lead to misunderstandings and unmet goals. By clearly communicating performance expectations, actively seeking to understand your team members’ perspectives, and providing consistent, transparent feedback, you can more effectively evaluate and reward performance, fostering a culture of trust, growth, and development.
Here are a few things I’m personally going to start paying attention to.
Clarify Expectations Early:
What are my expectations?
Am I clearly communicating my expectations from the outset to avoid misunderstandings later?
Seek Understanding:
Am I investing in the time to understand the perspectives and assumptions of others involved?
Have I asked questions to uncover any differences in expectations?
Communicate Honestly:
How am I creating a safe and supportive environment where honest communication is appreciated and honored?
Have I checked in with others to ensure everyone is on the same page?
Avoid Making Assumptions:
What steps have I taken to avoid assuming others think or feel the same way I do?
Have I explicitly discussed and confirm assumptions to avoid surprises?
Adapt and Adjust:
What do I need to learn to become more adaptable with my expectations and assumptions based on new information or changing circumstances?
How am I applying flexibility in managing relationships and situations effectively?
Take Responsibility for Misunderstandings:
Have I considered my role in misunderstandings and work collaboratively to resolve them?
How can I learn from this experience to build trust and strengthens relationships with others?
As you navigate your own relationships, I invite you to consider how honest expectation setting and assumption testing can transform your interactions and build deeper, more authentic connections.
